10 pounds lost and continuing

So far I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Now supposed to lose 1-3 pounds a week. With the gym I’m hoping I will get 5 pounds a week in:

Monday: Tan plus 30 minutes cardio
Tuesday: Circuit Room
Wednesday: Tan plus 30 minutes cardio
Thursday: circuit room
Friday: tan plus cardio

Being Sick and Working Out

I honestly don’t think the people that can work out everyday are as sick as me. Or if it doesn’t affect them.

I stated what I did earlier but fuck! All day my body has felt like I fell down a flight of stairs and pain made me sick like in PA.

When got home watched a really sad gay movie on Netflix then called my friend because its been 6 days and haven’t heard from him. I left message because no one picked up but when checked iPod he wrote me and said he’s been depressed and not in the mood to talk. I don’t blame him, I know how it feels. It sucks because he’s only person I talk too besides answering posts but he needs to take care of himself first then worrying about me having no one to talk too. I respect his honesty therefore not upset at all in anyway. He’s probably talking to other females, which is good for him. He needs to know I don’t get jealous and also I want him to be talking to new girls. Also, to show its a lie that people are gossiping about him. Such bullshit. Would love to sock the person in the face who made him think that!!

I woke up from a long nap, now still in pain and feel toxic/sick. Think I’m going to take a long detox bath and rub soma/dilaudid cream all over. I shaved yesterday. Just need to go over everything with a razor. I skipped tanning today because was sweating and sore.

Skipping Zumba class too. Happy Monday!!!

Worried

I’m really worried and stressed about my best friend because haven’t heard from him or liked any of my posts for awhile now (5 days to be exact)

I don’t know if
1. Something happened to a family member
2. If he’s just sick and tired and staying off FB because thinks people are gossiping about him
3. Relapsed and really sick
4. Said something to him to upset him
5. If something bad happened to Heinz?

I would call his house but I don’t want to bother him if sleeping or if doesn’t want to hear from me?

Just have to pray everything is alright!!!

He’s an amazing person and so lucky to call him my best buds. We may bicker at times but what relationship doesn’t.

Praying he’s Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gym day Experience + Zumba (maybe)

Got up at 6am today. Joining to Starbucks and gym at 9am.

Later, my friend holds a Zumba class down the street from where I live so going to go check it out at 7pm today 🙂

Got back from gym and Damn Im in pain!!!!! Feel toxic and pain. I started with 10 minutes on treadmill and then did the circuit room.

There is a timer on the wall that goes for 60 seconds and then to 30 seconds. So after each machine you have a quick 30 second break.

You do 1 machine for a minute. Then 30 seconds relax. Then do cardio steps for 1 min then 30 secs to relax and get on next machine. Then go on next machine and do for a minute then repeat.

The machines work out everything plus you get cardio in. Your Arms, Back, Butt, shoulders, calfs, legs etc. you can set how hard of the weight you want.

Afterwards did machine where you stand, put your arms, elbows up and hold on to small bars with hands. Then you bring your legs up either bent up to your chest, or straight up. I did both for 60 seconds.

By that time was sweating, very sore, weak to walk lol so resting now. Hopefully can make it to Zumba tonight and gym in AM. I’m not gonna push myself, if feel bad tommorrow will wait until Wednesday.

Depression Meds

Since lately I’ve been really down, suicidal and depressed my physician:

1. Increased my Effexor to twice a day
2. Zyprexa 10mg a day
3. Abilify 5mg two at night

So far still depressed but hopefully takes time to work. I’m hoping working out will keep me busy and help with depression as well. Neurofeedback has helped somewhat (for one day) but not sense. Like my best friend said, it may take awhile as its exercising your brain. Training your brain like teaching a kid to ride a bike again.

Diet + Working Out

I’ve been sticking to my diet and so far lost 10 pounds. January 1st I weighed 280 and my goal to get too is 210 (200 if possible)

Today I went to the gym so I can be shown how to use each machine in the circuit room.

My plan is Monday, Wednesday and Fridays to do the full circuit room, do 30 minutes on treadmill and then tan.

If I feel good, helps with depression and not to sore, Im going to start going Monday through Friday everyday.

Also starting a Zumba class that my friend runs starting tommorrow at 7pm.

I started a weight loss album on Facebook and hopefully will lose 5-10 pounds per week. That is my goal at least. And of course be tan as well.

Hoping this year by summer will be in shape and have more self-esteem and feel comfortable taking my shirt off for lying out in the sun, hanging out, sex (yes, I wear a shirt I’m insecure) and more.

I’m dedicated so well see how it goes 🙂

Very depressed: Missing my best friend

I’m really depressed and been crying so figure I should just write.

Something is going on with my best friend and I have suspicions but don’t know if there true.

He hasnt been on Facebook (well he has but not to talk to me, because this guy named Dave made him think people are gossiping about him and its not true at all.

It does hurt that he doesn’t at least check on me or my posts to see how Im doing or what been up too. I don’t know if he wants a break from me, really sick, but sure he’s been hanging out with this evil person who puts things in his head.

I feel that hes getting brainwashed, or maybe had a falling out with someone. I don’t know cause haven’t talked in 4 days. He will usually talk to me about it because Im the only one he trusts as I do him. It just seems weird. Going from talking daily to going almost a week not checking In, Im not gonna lie, I do get worried about him and also do get suspicious.

In a way, I think hes getting brainwashed thinking people are gossiping about Him. There are numerous other people who are friends with the guy Dave but dave doesnt talk about them, only that people are talking about my best friend which arent true at ALL. I don’t hear about anyone gossiping about them because there friends with Dave. If there was gossip I am SURE I would of heard about it someone writing me saying “randy, so and so is talking stuff about Cris because he hangs out with Dave” but honestly, no one gives a fuck. Dave likes to stir his own drama.

I also feel Dave is saying bullshit to him like “I’ve protected you so many times because people think you and Randy are together” or making you think people are talking about you. I cleared that rumor up fast and everyone knows were best friends. I know my best friend says he doesn’t care what people think, but hearing lies like that would want him to stay away from me and I’m scared. I wish my best friend would move soon so he can start fresh and have good people to hang out with.

I feel its just a way to mess with his head so 1. He isnt talkative on Facebook much and 2. To try and break our friendship up.

If you don’t like dave, he doesn’t want people to like you either. Or he will bring you into his drama.

The more shit Dave says, the more he’s going to believe it and not want to go to Mayday where so many people are looking forward to hanging out with him this year after the protest because we missed all the fun last year. Dave will also try and make him feel bad for not going with him.

I personally stay gossip and drama free and the only thing I can come up with is Dave is brainwashing him making him feel bad for him, probably turning us apart, who knows.

Maybe he’s just been sick and doesn’t feel like talking but I at least check in and talk to him. It feels like he doesn’t want to hear from me or talk to me and it hurts.

Well thanks for listening, something is going on I just don’t understand what. I hope he’s honest with me and tell me what’s really going on in his head.

I get to go visit him in March and May for Mayday. Hopefully he will getting paid by then so can come out for summer. It’s weird, when were together its like no one else exists and our problems go completely away for the time together. Since I’m female, maybe it makes it more comfortable to be around. Nothing has nor never will leave my mouth. I cherish our friendship way too much for the chance to get it ruined. I don’t even talk about him to my SD friends or even FB friends who would have no clue who I’m talking about. Even if Dont talk that much in February, Seeing him on March 2nd and spending that time with him will be worth it. Then only another month until Im up there again 🙂 to be honest, he’s really the only person I talk too on FB. Think maybe another reason why miss him so much.

The Only thing that keeps me going is I Know I have never lied to him, gossiped about him, betrayed him in anyway and only been a great friend. That’s all that really matters. If he believes otherwise, tired and bored of talking to me, getting brainwashed etc. then I have no control over it.